I am standing on the threshold of becoming a “senior citizen”… ( I guess I gave my age away 😊). Interesting stage of life .. when suddenly savings benefits and discounts are a possibility. Sadly no real income tax benefit inspite of the reality that real income become a fictional story.
But what is interesting is the programming that society and general marketing does, that people are worrying about themselves getting old, should we keep the hair grey or not, limiting activities, how they are being seen, fear about being desirable (though you don’t really speak about it ), how they can cope and what support they need.
That led me to look back at the decades of my life. And what I observed is actually the bigger truth. The most problematic and troublesome decades in my life were my teens and then my 40s. Teens we all acknowledge as a difficult time especially as parents. But the 40s … the age when everything is going for you! The inclination of your career ladder is getting steeper and exciting. The comforts of life that you are gathering like memorabilia is all around you. The social equity of having the perfect family. The narratives, that keep you ambitious, is in your reach potential. That title. That opportunity. Those perks that make you feel you have arrived or arriving! Even more tantalizing.
But behind the glorious façade of this 40s -wallah decade lies the unimaginable pain of being pulled in all directions, and not doing justice to any. To the niggling doubt if this is actually what you want, but you are no longer sure. To the guilt that sits inside you like a dagger … that you have not given the time or attention that your children or your partner or your friends need, but you tell yourself there is still time. To the sinking feeling that the freshness of youth is ebbing away, and what you see in the mirror is suddenly not likeable. To the strange despair when friends suddenly cross over to the other realm. For some like me, this was a decade when it was a struggle to hold up the mirror to my life. Scared to death of what I will see. To know deep down but deny … that everything you invested in, put your heart, sweat, money, thoughts, soul and mind in, is maybe not what it looks to be. This mirror is heavier than the 65 kgs deadlift I did last week. You are trapped. The well crafted life that the world sees and lauds … even aspires for … maybe is a lie. But you cant eject. Coz the price is too high. And you may not survive.
I remember the sheer mad schedules of my work, the appreciations and the promotions, the fun in the work travel, heady feeling of being wanted everywhere. But I also remember the severe depression that I couldn’t get a handle of. I cried so much that I have run out of tears. The series of medical crises that happened. Time suddenly seems so limited between everything you needed to do at home, at office and you feel like those gross figure that the women’s day 10 handed visuals that go around. You start seeing the cracks …. And you ignore at first. But it keeps growing, till its all over. I am growing crazy trying to put duct tapes on all those cracks to stop them from propagating. Frenzied readings, learning, only to stop it from crumbling down. Then suddenly a speck of flickering tiny light appears through a crack.
This is the moment of reckoning. Deep, disturbing reckoning. Do you want to stop duct taping and maybe crack it a little more to see what it is. Or just sit as I did, tired and exhausted, to watch what happens next … slowly the cracks started to fall apart little by little and the tiny light started to stream in. Even then I question, do I follow the light? What happens to everything I have built and nurtured?
I am grateful to so many people, and to my coach Ram in particular, that I got up hesitatingly and on shaking legs to take the step towards the light. The first step … scary, difficult but enticing. It made all the difference. Hell broke loose too.
As I soon move into the 6th decade of my life , I have never felt more free, more motivated, more energetic, more fitter, more capable. Sure I have sagging boobs, grey hair, double chin and marks on my face. I have limited resources and waning luxuries. But the realization that life can be truly meaningful is so liberating ! That life is actually created from little everyday simple joys. Your world is now filled with relationships that give you more life. You laugh loudly. You dress carelessly. You set free the wild side of you.
I am here. Finally. Without apology. Without regrets. With power. Leave the discounts and concessions in the bin, please.
Meandering Dialogues 