It was my dream for as long as I can remember. A warm dining room, buzzing kitchen, my home filled with friends and family, chattering and laughing. Bowls of popcorn while we watch movies together. Beer and chips as we watch games. Footsteps and sounds from the friends of my child be like music to my ears.
These are also images that are sold to us as we grow up. The home and the perfect family are an aspiration. You chase it at all cost. You think everyone has one, especially in this era of social media projection.
As you grow older, the cracks appear and you try hard to fill them. It works for some, it widens for some. You get wiser and realize that a happy family is dream marketed to us. That happy childhood is also an illusion. You pause … as now you have come to a realization that is difficult to make sense.
It took me many many years … and watching my parents die within 5 months of each other, also made me realize that we are all essentially alone. I remember going to watch a movie alone for the first time about 10 + years ago, and it was a difficult one at that… I came out of the theatre bawling. To start doing things alone was heart wrenching at first. You look for friends to hold on to, but they all have their own lives.
Learning to live with your thoughts, your time and yourself was a journey I had never imagined. Slowly I started to enjoy the solitude. I maybe alone but not lonely. My home still gets filled with my friends and families, including chosen ones, bursting with love, food and merriment.
For the first time, I saw myself … which was hidden under the pressures of being the best daughter, best sister, best wife, best mother, best worker and best friend. I realized I may not have been the best, but I was good enough. And that is ok. It was like peeling an onion, layer by layer, crying in sadness of dreams lost or feeling happy on finding a side of you that you didn’t know existed. I told myself not to be scared of living alone.
Now, I rejoice finding myself. The opportunity to lead my life the way I want to, fills me with renewed desire to find a purpose. I have come to embrace this life of mine and being fully immersed in it, being present in my mind and body.
This week, I did my first solo trip … and I was in great doubt on how I would react to it. But I was surprised … I was my own great companion. I took my own pace, did what I wanted, enjoyed each moment.
Now I am telling myself not to be scared of liking to live alone. It is a powerful and liberating feeling. Perhaps a feeling I deserve now.
Meandering Dialogues 