In a world where “youth-like” and productivity is celebrated, where does the gradual and natural aging fit in ?
I watch my father quietly negotiating spoonful of “maach bhat” gingerly into his mouth each afternoon, which now takes him an hour to finish. A meagre meal of dal and maach bhat , or 2 chapatti and sabzi. He is 98. Seven years ago, he was the person anyone in the neighborhood would run to any time of the day and night for any help, and there he was rushing to do whatever it was needed.
My mother who despite failing and chronic health conditions, chose to be as active as she can be. Like a conductor of an orchestra, she would send all her minions into a frenzy to do and complete so much each day. Fiercely independent and refusing help, each of our conversations became an arguments.
And there came a day, which in some corner of my mind I knew will come, yet it seems I was unprepared. When we understood that there wasnt much that can we can do to heal my mother and it was time for palliative care. She continued to be in precarious health condition, which needed constant monitoring and actions to keep her comfortable. The doctor asked me in Bengali, “Should I release her? Will you take her home?” (“Chere debo? Bari niye jaben?”) and in an instant I said , “yes” . I knew it would be difficult , in fact very very difficult . And I have to learn everything very fast. But I knew it is better to have her at home for her final few days or weeks as it turned out.
Hiring the medical equipment and setting up a hospital like room is back breaking but is the easiest part. Understanding what is to be monitored, to understand the signs that needs actions and deal with each medical crises as though you are a trained paramedic is the hard part. It is easier said than done. Well meaning friends of my parents and family kept giving suggestions and advices on how to get her well and up again. Its almost as though they are scared of death and of losing her. I didn’t know how to tell them that I know as well as they know what they don’t want to accept, that this is the finality we are waiting for. That all I wanted was to hold her hand to help cross over the realm with as little struggle or pain, knowing that she is loved and her life is appreciated.
Bhagwad Gita Verse 2.27
जातस्य हि ध्रुवो मृत्युर्ध्रुवं जन्म मृतस्य च |
तस्मादपरिहार्येऽर्थे न त्वं शोचितुमर्हसि || 27||
jātasya hi dhruvo mṛityur dhruvaṁ janma mṛitasya cha
tasmād aparihārye ’rthe na tvaṁ śhochitum arhasi
For to that which is born, death is certain, and to that which is dead, birth is certain. Therefore you should not grieve over the unavoidable.
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Slowly, now I feel the ache in my bones more acutely . I watch the wrinkle develop and I cherish it. I nurture the greys in my hair. I feel the heaviness when I have a large meal. I desire the need to just slow down and drink my coffee or my wine. Knowing that I have lived my life the best I could and I have the grand opportunity to make the rest of my days the prettiest of them all. I choose to do that with the dearest friends that I have made and will continue to make during the course of the rest of my life.
Cheers to life !! … Till it last !
Meandering Dialogues 