In a hospital, there is only one ward where there is a lot of laughter, cheer and celebration ….. the maternity ward. After all those months, finally its such a sublime feeling to take your little bundle home. Tiny feet, curled up hands, gurgling, stretching, sleeping … you stare and stare in wonder. Rest of the time, you are struggling to cope with endless diapers, sterilization and perfectly timed nightly colic screams. The little bundle grows at exponential speed. Soon, other thoughts starts to come into your mind … stemming from comparison . What you heard of yourself from your mother, what the father did as a child, what your sibling or niece or nephew did , what your neighbour’s child is doing .
You are doing what you have to functionally, but your mind is filled with questions, doubts, plans, dreams, expectations . You look for a sign with everything that your child does to map to these in your mind. Selection of playschool is critical for future you think. Admission in the appropriate school of choice is a die or do moment. Can he recite the poem fluently ? Can she write in neat cursive writing ? Can he work the numbers like a magic ? Can she capture the stage with her talent ? Can he talk to strangers confidently ? Is she popular with other kids and parents alike? Will he be the one you dreamt or expected your child to be ? or what the grand parents expected them to be ? Can she win all inter school competitions? Can he be part of the school team ? Can they be the center of a party ? Can they manage the pressure without a sweat ? Can they make you proud ?
Think about it … every step of the way … you keep mapping and checking if its heading to the right direction or not.
The child has no clue initially about what you are thinking. The child is happy discovering the world , revels in its beauty, disgusted by its yuckiness and is curious. We all say “each child is unique and has a different pace” , yet we panic when the “mapping” is slightly off. Worry, fear … anxiety seeps into the parents. I feel that is the killer of all parenting.
You are now sucked into the larger parents world. You are learning, searching, researching , chatting up other parents, measuring and mapping …. To see if you are being a good parent … actually , a perfect parent , nothing less !
You cease to be present with your child . Just present . No judgement. No frantic mapping . Just listening, laughing genuinely at their jokes, holding them quietly when they are crying, doing the things they want to do where time lies still and its just you and the child.
You are good parent when you have given them love , attention and the affordable resources . That’s all. Every child will find their way into this world and shine just the way they want. Maybe not as you want, but its ok. Its not your life, its theirs. You can do the world of good to them by just being present as they grow into a toddler, a child, a teenage, an young adult and even as older adult. The knowledge that you are there for them no matter what gives them every arsenal they need to move forward.
In Gibran’s words , the profound truth.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
(1923)
Meandering Dialogues 